Day 4: Fear Of The Future and Growing Up.

" We can't fear the past.

Fear is a future thing.

And since the future's all in our heads,

Fear must be a head thing"

- Tom Payne

Today, as I sat doing nothing, I felt like I was wasting my summers. But what surprised me more was that I, a sworn bibliophile, didn't feel like reading. At first I wondered if it was because I was slowly graduating to more serious writing and hence found a lot of my books frivolous. But then I realized that this wasn't the reason.It scares me, how reading, which was once a solace to me, doesn't seem to be a productive activity anymore. Instead it seems to be a waste of time.
 As I sat texting a few friends, all of whom are interning this summer, I started having second thoughts about choosing not to do the same. I wondered whether I'd been stupid in giving up a chance to decorate my CV by declining a chance to study abroad for an year. I wondered what I was doing with myself, my life, for I did not want to be left behind. The fear of being thought of as a failure, a candle that burnt itself out propelled me further into self-deprecating doubts. I feel as though I don't know where I am going, what I am doing with my life though I do know what I want from it 10 years down the line. I wonder though, at the pace at which I am going, as compared to my peers, will I achieve it? But more than anything, I feel scared.After all, men only fear the unknown, and what is more unknown than the future? I wonder if all people my age feel this way?
This growing up business? It isn't very nice. It is basically just a bunch of questions to which you don't know the answers and by the time you figure those answers out, it is too late. You can't go back and correct the mistakes that you made because you didn't know the answers nor can you change the path you took because you didn't know yourself so well.
Growing up sure is funny business.The confidence and the cockiness of childhood slowly wears away as does the wonder and the sense of curiosity and before you know it you've lost what made you "you". You're just one of the crowd, with nothing left but the mundane. I don't want to go down that path. I don't want to lose myself but I don't know how to prevent it. As a kid, I thought that the exact opposite was supposed to happen as your independence increased but turns out that the responsibilities go up and with that you lose your awe of the future and of growing up. All what is left is fear and worry.
Why can't we stay as children do, fearing nothing and no one, always raring for an adventure, always curious about the future and everything around us and couple all of this with the knowledge and independence of a grown up? Why must the beginning of one always mean the end of the other?
I want the best of both worlds and I sure as hell am going to try my best to get it!

The picture is what I wish I could think like.

Till tomorrow!